Dear Mr. Karek...

Dear Mr. Karek,

  We here at X Industries are extremely disappointed to hear about the
problems you have been having with your brain.  Apparently your unit
was not correctly equipped with the standard "dream" submodule.  

  Dreams are an endogenous hallucinated pseudo-reality experience which
most humans enjoy during their periodic unconsciousness or "sleep"
intervals.  Although defects of this kind normally must be reported
within the one year warranty period, because of the difficulties this
problem is causing you in understanding human communications, we are
willing to accept your brain for return and factory reconditioning.

  To ship your brain safely, it must be returned in the original
package, viz. the cranium.  Prepare a large cardboard box, address it
to "X Industries", and write "postage prepaid" in the upper right
corner of the box lid.  Half-fill the box with packing material, and
place a large plastic bag in the middle with the mouth of the bag
upward.  Then, take a sharp knife, lean over the bag, and sever your
head from your neck at the third cervical vertebra.  NOTE: You may
require the use of a serrated knife, and/or assistance from a friend,
to finish severing the spinal cord.  

  Please be certain that the head is inside the plastic bag, and
surrounded by padding.  Seal the box, and drop it at the nearest Post
Office, or at any of X Industries' convenient volcano mouths.  If we do
not receive your brain within the next week, we will send one of our
agents on a courtesy visit to retrieve it.  There will be a $200
surcharge for this service.

  Your replacement brain, complete with enjoyable "dream" module, should
be delivered in four to six weeks.  X Industries will not be held
responsible for damage in transit, unsuitability of product for
intended use, incidental or consequential damages, histogen
incompatibility, or effects of persistent high-level ionizing
radiation.

  Yours cordially,

    -- Pope C
    X Industries Project Evaluation Department

Back to my writing section (rants etc.)

Back to my home page/intro