Fred's At-Home Log



These notes began after Fred was brought home from the Cat Clinic after five days of hopitalization, exploratory surgery and a harrowing diagnosis: lymphosarcoma. And now with a feeeding tube on his side, a "just in case" IV needle taped to his arm and so skinny. The jewish mother in me went nuts....we suddenly had to care for this little guy who usually was so independent...there was lots of adjusting for me, but he just keeps plugging along. There's a lesson here somewhere but I'll leave that for the epistemologists. Anyway here are some notes and thoughts about his treatment, day by day. Later I can spiff it up but for now it's just gotta be a running dialogue. Thanks for reading.


9/15/96 12:15 We got home, Fred knew we were here and jumped out of the carrier! We feel so happy that he's home with us, no matter what happens.
He went first tocheck for his food bowl (I put some (2T) dry science diet and some water out for him. He lay in the middle of the kitchen floor (happy) but did not eat.
Then he checked out his litter and went in and had a small bowel movement. Loose, but not bad. Then he went into Bob's bathroom and slept behind the toilet (cool) for two hours. He came out at 3:30 came in from the lanai to eat a little fish (1T) but was uninterested in the kitten chow for now - he is alert and affectionate and still a bit tentative but acclimating quickly. we will offer food again later. He did seem to have a little difficulty chewing or something. Ate in tiny chunks only. But he ate! :)
Right now he's on the lanai, drifting into sleep.
3:35 He looks so normal. Hard to believe he's so ill. We love him so much.
(seems there might be seepage at the base of his feeding tube?)
7:00 ate a little more fish (1T) Likes it! 8:15 fed 30cc + 20cc Clinicare and 10cc Water.

Resting on the lanai. Seems to be worrying the IV implant a little. Jimmy has towork in the morning, so Bob will help me take Fred for his 1st chemotherapy shot. We hope he makes it! Of course if he's in pain, we all agree to do what's best for his happiness. He uses the scratching post with vigor - maybe venting frustration. ..poor little rat.

9-16-96 6:05 am Not eating...but hungry. Fed 30cc + 15cc +10cc water with the Baytril (antibiotic) crushed inside. Going to see Dr. Sylvester later this am. Seems perky but bloated.

7:00p Fred spent his day at yhe vet's but the drugs didn't come through. Bummed. Brought him home :) They fed him at some point, but at 7 he was pretty hungry! He ate about 2T of fresh ahi before 60cc Clinicare and 10cc water. He's really happy to be home . So are we. It didn't feel like home when he was gone. Tomorrow he goes back. I am really hopeful that we can begin the regime and give him a fighting chance. Jimmy says he was very aware of the car-doctor-car-home routing and stood alone in the elevator and marched into the house and drank some water. He is trying so hard. We love him so. 10:30 pm ate 1T kitten chos (wet, whitefish) :) Had 2 more bowel movements a loose (big) one and a tiny solid one. Jimmy didn't go to work today but will go tomorrow. Bob says he'll help me. Yikes! I hope this shit works.

9/17/96 Fred ate! 2T sci-di and a littel kitten chow thru the night. In the am (7:30) he ate 2T ahi and a little dry Friskies. We also fed 30 + 20cc clinicare and 5cc water. He seemed too full. I think we should feed him less, more often, truer to his cat ways. He seems happy though. Taking him to the vet now, 8:35a.


6:20pm. Came home, fred looks OK, ate 1T fish. Jimmy said he was spunky on the way home, even ate a little dry chow on arriving. His chemotherapy started today - giving him Prednisone and Baytril at home. He gets Vincristine and cyclophosphamide at the clinic. 1 week with both V and C (retail name Cytoxan) as well as the Prednisone. V&C both one week then V only for two weeks, then V&C for one week then two weeks off, then V once more then ...? Hope! :) At least we're doing SOMETHING. Dr. Sylvester says that cats aren't like humans, in that they don't seem to have visible/manifest side effect like hair loss and nausea, although either or both MAY occur... I went on a net spree for feline oncology links and research on the drugs.Links page is here (soon), please feel free to send me email and I'll (slowly, inexorably) add your site if it somehow includes feline oncology or it's impacts on our lives.

NOTE: At this point, I will stop cataloguing his every meal, since now we have a solid routine of three or four feedings daily, 35cc per feeding. And water and treats of all varieties all in abundance. And constant petting and encouragement from all of us. And I still sometimes get so damn frustrated with the whole thing. Getting some VERY encouraging email from some wonderful people on rec.pets.cats so I'm starting to turn my anger in energy to create an environment of healing for him, and to do all I can to hospice him with dignity all the while hoping for a complete remission.

9/18/96 6:20am. I need to be stronger for him. I hope I can. I will. With Jimmy &Bob's help. Had to substitute some soymilk and "canned food juice" into the Clinicare since we were running out. It was vanilla soymilk. He threw everything up (chemo, or my recipe? Although later I mixed wet food juice with Clinicare and he seemed A-OK about it.). Jimmy wants to weigh the food so we can see what he's eaten. I agree. This will help us get a better idea of when he's eating 1/2 - 3/4 of what he should be eating. Should we get him stoned? I don't know. Pretty high spirits prevail. He loves the new soft brush and to be petted and talked to. (excellent advice from Larry on AOL!) He seemed content, a little shaky. Stools, small, good shape no diarrhea.

9/19/96 Vomited 1/2 his breakfast. Perked up later. Tolerating it all so adroitly. we're wondering about the biopsy stiches...ready to come out? Still haven't been able to talk to Dr. Syl. Feels weird giving him all this when I don't know where we're GOING. I cried a little. He looked so weak, so off balance lying there on the kitchen floor. Then Jimmy walked in, he pops up, fat and sassy. What an actor? Jimmy and Bob's energies really help keep me more grounded. Without Jimmy, Fred would probably not being doing half as well as he is. This is why he is my sweet mook mook.

9/21/96 Took Fred to the home of Colette, who is a touch-healer and reiki practitioner. Was this for me or for Fred? Definitely both. Fred and I have always been very close. I feel connected to him on a non-verbal level, and so I naturaly want to involve all planes and modes of feeling and communicating that I can. To be with him, to calm him and to share his healing. I am very happy we went and a landmark was made in the healing process for ME, and I think Fred's spirits were awakened and marshalled by the journey.


Later in a simple ritual I used smudge for a white magic ritual to clear old energy. I asked Hi'iaka, sister of Pele, goddess of the hula for a boon of some seawater from Waimanalo where Fred was born. I used a ti leaf to sprinkle the sea water around the house, on me, Fred, Jimmy (who slept through it). Anyway, update as of 10/1/96 is that he is entering his third week of chemo and is pretty encouraging in his behaviors. Still fed on the tube, but STRONGER> He is down to 10.5 lbs, from 16.2 at his burly peak...so he's pretty skinny, but now at least he's not losing anymore I hope. Ugh. Typo's busy, but it seems to be working. I will post more as I can.




PS interesting he's now doing "bad things" like swatting and biting and sharpening his claws on everything under the sun.He seems to be looking for the old reaction, but gets only praise. Sigh. Still we'repretty happy. Aloha for now

10/19/96: We've made it through a month and two days of Chemo with our little buddy. The good news is he's alive, and not in pain and able to get around a-ok. The big question mark is if he's going into remission, or just slowly going south. Still, like Larry says, every day with him is a day in the bank!

A couple days ago Fred got curious and had a bit of an adventure! I am making props for a trade show for the company I work for, LavaNet...so I have this paper maiche volcano drying in the house and it's kinda stinky so Jimmy decides to put it out in the fire escape. And then propped the door open for ventilation. This building has a fully enclosed fire escape, one of those really byzantine ones that echoes and echoes, ever floor the same, endless circular and would be labrynthine if it wasn't so darn unidirectional. Anyhow, Fred went out into the fire escape, just poking around I guess. I went to check on my volcano (I admit I fret about art projects!) and taking in the volcano, I shut the door to the fire escape and proceeded to paint my lavaflow not noticing that the Furball was missing till about an hour later! Yikes! "where's the cat?" I calmly asked, focused on my work. Jimmy grunted. Reading. Then we looked at each other and got up, calling him. Jimmy went to the escape and called once, he responded pitifully. He was 4 floors up, in front of a neighbors fire escape door, looking confused and pissed. So Jimmy brought him down. He would follow, but only for one floor. Interesting that he went UP, to me, Jimmy says that's most cat-like. Then he was quiet for about a day and a half. Hiding, shy. He has up days and down days.
We're taking it day by day. He's gotten lots of mail, postcards and silly toys from friends. I show them all to him (even the emails!) Thanks to my friend and coworker Baron for the excellent and artful scans of the new pictures! More later, and thanks for reading. Peace


10/30 thru 11/4
Fred had had two weeks off from chemo, and was looking pretty sassy. He went in and had the cyclophosphamide and vincristine administered, and within twenty eight hours was a very sick kitty indeed. He had his first-ever long term bout with nausea. Dry heaves and of course every single time we fed him. Within two days he was gaunt, saggy. We rushed him to the vet and she gave him subcutaneous water (according to Jimmy about 4 oz) and the results were almost imediate. Apparently (and forgive my ignorance here, but I find this pretty darn amazing: ) Cats have this large area between their muscles and their epidermis. So, they can accept injections almost anywhere and without incident.

Anyway,we brought him home and then the vomiting started in earnest. He puked after we fed him but still tried to eat, then dry-heaved all night.We were getting very worried. when not puking he was making "swallowing" motions all the time, and seemed he could not get comfortable no matter how he lay. I decided to try using some marijuana with him, and it had an immediate, positive effect which has been repeated tens of times now. He immediately stopped swallowing, began purring and became less reclusive within a few minutes. We decided to try feeding him. He kept it down, for the first time in days. I was so relieved I cried a little. So, from what I see, the case for medical marijuana is quite strong. In this case it saved Fred from hospitalization or worse. If it is consistent with your values and you find yourself in such a position, I'd strongly recommend it. Here's a little trick: don't stick them in a bag or blow the stuff at them. The best way is to direct a tiny bit of smoke into their ears...seems to work fast on them. And since he has a small body weight (10 lbs) I think three treatments is fine. Now he likes it, but probably doesn't NEED it, but it sure helps him find interest in his food! ;) Still, if you're like me, and you will do whatever it takes for your little chum, this really seems to work well.

Fred goes in for weighing and a look-see tomorrow. I hope he's gained a little weight! But still, he seems happy and alive and bright eyed and is beginning to bite us sometimes...definitely the "fluffy" we know is in there. My friend John said I should just put him out. But he still seems to want to continue. John says that's because he's a cat and cats will just go on till they fall over. That's their way. I dunno. I don't think it's his time. I look for clues in my dreams and when I talk with Fred (we have very long talks. I tell him about my day and ask questions about his. He loves this. ) He just seems to be going on, but not going away. Sometimes it takes more courage to assist in survival than to snuff out the light. But I have to keep framing it. It is not for me that Fred is still here, it is because he's fighting and (for now, right now) seems to be winning...as near as I can tell. I hate that cancer. I draw pictures of it and burn them. I draw pictures of Fred with flowers coming out of his head on my knee at work. I make him fat and smiling. My skirt covers it and when I take a break I look at my knee and fred smiles at me. Pretty silly. We go on. Thanks for reading. Love Kit.

11.22.96
Fred weighs 9.5 pounds, but looks uniformly shrunken...not ugly or disproportionate. My friend Martin said to me the other night at a party that he looks like a normal sized cat now, and didn't look skinny to him at all, just "normal sized." But considering his plush stregth at 16.5 pounds, I still miss his "Fluffy" days too. I fear we're not winning. Dr. Sylvester says she does not think we are getting a good remission here, but that it's hard to tell. He has had two weeks off from chemotherapy because his blood counts are too low to treat, but overall after we got past the crippling nausea he has seemed to brighten...but still to lose weight. We had stopped tube feeding for a few days since he was eating well, and we coud feed him some by mouth. But then he just petered off in his eating. We tube fed him again without any apparent nausea or ill effects. He rolls on his back, jumps up on the sink to drink from the faucet, all his normal things. Except that he seems to be shrinking and hardly eating. He has been eating better lately, and we are still tube feeding him too. I am on vacation for about nine days and am glad to spend time with him. It's the first time I've spent a vacation at home. Kind of interesting. Getting lots ofstuff organized, I hope. Seems like it. We've all been stressed out (Me, Bob, Jimmy) so it's nice to just chill at home and clean and cook. How domestic. Nice to have the opportunity though... Thanks for reading! Kit



12/3/96
Fred has rebounded a little! He has gained a half pound (that was a week ago.) He is now around 10lbs. I am really happy about it, but I wonder if the cancer is just marshalling in there or if maybe...he's eating pretty well and we tube feed him just once a day now. He really digs the Solstice Tree this year, and is jumping up on things and down again with delightful zest. Still giving him the Predisone twice daily 5mg, and off to the vet we go! Seems to be feeling much better, and has not had a chemotherapy treatment in three weeks. His cbc or Complete Blood Count is almost normal! Still he seems frail but much more vigorous. I hope! So, tomorrow we go to the vet (we saw a substitute vet last week, a good vet, but not our Dr. Sylvester.) and she can let me know what's happening. I hope it's some good news! Kind of nice not to have to stress about his feeding all the time . (whew!) And I'm back at work now, but I feel really good , rested and stronger and more centered. And so we go on to tommorow. Aloha for now. K

1/21/97
Fred really rebounded for the holiday season. His health and happiness was the best present I ever had. Shortly after the holidays, aroun the first week of January, he has developed a serious infection in his stomach, and apparently the cancer is on the move again becasue today after Jimmy took him to the vet he told me that Fred has a tumor in his eye. I thought it was a touch of conjunctivitis, but his eye seemed tender and cloudy and the nictitating membrane was inflamed. I feel so defeated. He now weighs about a little under 9.5 pounds and his liver (the site of the original cancer) seems much better! We may choose to do more chemotherapy for the eye cancer, but I don't think anyone an tell me that eye cancer is not hideously painful and Fred's beautiful green eyes turning into cancerous mush is NOT something I am going to put him through. Jimmy and I have to talk to the doctor some more and decide what to do. One thing after another. Jimmy wants to give i\him every chance, I am really sensitive to the quality-of-life issue. I just hope we don't love him so much we prolong his pain. I sense this may be the start of the end for my little furry pal. I'm so sad.

1/22/97 Today Fred started eating solid food for the first time in over 2 weeks! And his eye is looking cloudy and we have to talk to the doctor about what to do. So hard. He gains ground on one front and loses it on another. We upped his Prednisone to 10mg/day twice a day to alleviate the swelling and to help stop the eye tumor from growing. My main fear is: if he has an eye tumor where else does he have cancer growing? And why can't it just leave him alone? Grrrr! I feel less hopeless today (thanks Jimmy, my love)...but Fred is so weak and small and stays in the closet most of the time, not sure what kind of life this is. But on we go for now. I will post more when I speak to the doctor. Metastatic means big trouble.

1/31/97 9:30 am Dr. Palumbo came to the house and we put Fred to sleep. He lost a lot of ground in the final days, a huge fungal infection made his feeding tube useless and caused him lots of pain (growling, moving very cautiously, falling over) in the end he spent the evening on his little flat of grass that Jimmy grew for him in the apartment, and we gave him water with an eye dropper. So weak. He couldn't hold his head up. I cried, Jimmy knew it was time. All our work and love and long nights wishing it would turn around just didn't do it. Still we had 4 months plus with him that he never would have had. I spent the night sitting on the lanai with Fred and talking with him, told him that unless he wanted it otherwise we would end his life for him in the morning. He seemed resolved. In the morning, he had messed the floor for the first time ever. It was thick and blackish (blood) he was coming apart. The fungal infection had caused small pimples that within hours had turned to big sores on his skin. He could barely hold his head up. It was over fast and he went very gently. It was one of the saddest days of my life. Fred's body was incinerated at the local Humane Society. We miss him so.

2/7/97 Post note: on my Birthday, a week after Fred's death Jimmy and I went to the Humane Society and brought home Henry, a chipper, lean and soft cuddly black and white dude. About 8 months old. Sweet as sugar. Stiil there's a Fred-sized hole in my heart, and he's has big paw prints to fill, but Henry is really sweet. Aloha, Fred! We love you.